today I am going to tell my story and my experience of going through getting bully and my anxiety disorder. I came from my country to australia when I was 13 years old. it was in march I loved in Australia. second day I went to my school in New South Wales and I see a lot of indians there. I thought they will be friendly but I forgot one thing that I came from overseas and they are born in Australia. my first day in school was hectic they all made fun of me and I became ver depressed. but on the other hand I fell in love 💕 with a girl but there was again same problem that I came from India. she and other students started feeling like it it embarrassing if they talk to me so they started telling other students to tease me. there was not single day in 6 years that I have to cried when came home. I never told my parents about that how much hard Time I have in school. everyday I get scared going to school. life became very hard. many times I used to cry while I was at the school but no one cared. one thing I forgot then was I would have gone to teacher and ask for help but I did not do that. there was two Australian girls which were very nice but I never spoke with them because they was friends with other Indian girls. I cannot believe how can someone cane be that ignorant. I use to ignore them everyday but they keep helping me. I never said thanks to them and now its been over 1 years since I have left school and the only thing worries me that why I shouldn’t said thanks to them. I know where they work I went there several times but they both ignored me. I was totally heart broken. they thought I do not talk to girls because I am gay but that was wrong. I did not talk with girls because every time someone sees me talking with girl the all thinks I like her then they tease me. I literally dying inside everyday. I cannot stop thinking about them. for a year I totally stopped going outside. this year I have started going to university but I stay depressed so it is very hard for me to learn something in uni. I try to avoid everyone due to things I have gone through. there are a lot of group work involved in there and I have to participate in them pretty much all of the time everyone has a partner and I am the only one left behind. until today I do not know what to do with my life. it went for almost 6 years and everyday I use to think everything will get better by time but nothing happened for me everything went worse. I have shortened my story because even today I am scared to dig up past.
stay tuned soon I will upload my letter I wrote couple of years ago to give to both of the girls who helped me a lot but I never did.
until that feel free to contact me on: email@example.com
Today I seen those friends (hate them) who gave me very hard time and I end up here. They were talking and laughing at me I know because they all look at me when laughing. I thought at least now they have learnt to not to hurt 😔 😢 others but I was wrong. They are still bullies. I can’t believe that they have not become good people by now. Like they have ruined my life but they still didn’t get it. I have started hating them even more now. I am lost and feel very alone right now. No one has right to hurt others mentally. What they think they are. I keep telling my heart ❤️ that don’t worry one day everything going to be alright but my brain knows that nothing going to be alright ever. Now you all tell me what should I do because I think today I have lost it. Everyday I try to forget things but they made me realise that nothing get’s change we all remember everything. Suddenly every memory of me getting bullied came back in front of my eyes. I don’t think I will be sleeping tonight either. I am feeling so alone. I just need someone to talk to. I need a friend. I really need a friend.
Link to my last blog: 27/04/2017. Exam result revealed?
Sometimes life gives you a lot of options and you do not know which way to go. Maybe all directions can be wrong one or maybe one of them can be right? The problem is that you can only go one way at the time but by the time you think to come back and choose another direction life gives you more directions ahead. Then you do not know if to come back or go ahead and choose one of those directions given ahead.
Last couple of days for me was very hectic. The exam I gave I did not did well. I filled my paper with wrong answer. I think I will only get one answer right or maybe two. I knew that I am going to fail but I did not know that I will fail that badly. But if I do good in upcoming exams I might pass this course but not sure yet.
I will talk about other stuff in upcoming blog because I want to keep this one short and simple.
Checkout my previous blog here: Yes, I’m waiting for it
I hope something good happens as soon as. I really need a break in my life. because life is stuffing up me every and all the time. I really really need it or am I done with it. Any suggestions from you all will be great. What sort of a miracle I want but I don’t know what I’m wondering for or what I’m finding. If something soon doesn’t happen my life is going to be on fire and there is already a lot of fire inside and it is burning me.
seriously 😒 my life is little like that and soon going to be worse. I need to find solutions soon… OH GOD HELP ME
Stressful week starts
today was very stressful day for me but I still hardly managed to write blog and keep all of you updated on this thing. I don’t know if I told you before or not but there are a lot of hindrances in my studying. I am seriously falling behind in my studies due to lack of interest in social and mental life. Right now I am struggling with everything especially my studies.
I have exams coming up in 2 days time but I have not started studying yet and assignments are just harsh. I don’t even know what to do anymore and I cannot stop panicking. I know writing it here will not solve my problem but I do not have a choice. Can life be little easy? I don’t know but it should be. I just received call from parents while writing this again I forgot to do something they told me. Now I’m even more panicking. I think while typing this life became more hard. I’m worrying so much and don’t know what to do. I am begging and hoping tomorrow will be bit good day but also I know the truth what about studies; have exams. What should I do with my life 😔😔😔
I have again bought lottery ticket because last time I won 163 dollars but I forgot to post about that incident. I only need 2 more numbers again to win some still money. A lot about that let’s talk about what happened so far. In afternoon I came to my house back and into my room. I sat there for a while and thought about my life. I said to myself this is last time I will play lottery because I want to try my luck if I did not win something big then I will not play forever because I need to save money for my blog. Life stories are boring! I know I get it but that’s the only way I can communicate with you guys otherwise I do not have any option. what should I do I don’t have any friends. how come you all not become my friend. I am nice and I do not use vulgar language. I am very good person and needs a friend. maybe this time lottery will do something. maybe when I have a lot of money I will get some friends. will I not sure about that. so far I have watched two movies comedy and I have read book which one ! diary of a wimpy kid. my life is very similar to that I felt someone has written about me but its on something else. give me some suggestions what you all want to know about me and I will be happy to talk about that……
let’s find an answer for that together
I wonder sometimes that what am I. Alone person in this universe where are infinity stars and trillions of people. Is there anyone for me in this world. Who am I? what I am doing here? Where are the answers? How can I find them?
While travelling to university or somewhere else I start thing about stuff that probably will never happen. Does that make me day dreamer? Other day my parents was calling my name and I didn’t even know because my mind was wondering in some another country. I got shocked when suddenly my mum placed hand on my shoulder and asked where you got lost. we are waiting for you to have dinner. First I thought to tell mum and dad everything happened to me in school and why I behave like that now but I could not utter a single word from my mouth. My hands was shaking while having dinner so I just grabbed my plate and went into my room. I could not stop crying. Life is very hard for me. I wake up in the middle of the night and had dinner 🥘. What is happening with me? Am I going into wrong direction? There are thousands of questions surrounding me and I am still finding answers. Why most of the time I get lost into past or somewhere else where I never been. While writing this blog my eyes was blurry for a bit and I realised that I am in Japan living there for a while now. But when I heard so much noise I realised that I am in Australia same where I was from long last years. Why do I want to escape from here? Will my past leave me alone if I leave this place? What is the answer and who knows it? I will prefer leaving this place once my study is completed and I have a lot of money into my account but before that problem is how I keep blogging if I don’t left with much money into my account. how long I will able to blog with money I have in my account? I month or 2. don’t know if price will go up? Why I keep checking the price of airline for various directions when I’m not going anywhere. Then the question remains Who am I and where I want to go…………..
Just came to my head now that if everyone shares or somehow do something that everyone can read maybe oneway it will reach to those two girls. that will be the happiest day of my life. I’m not forcing someone and please don’t hate me for that. I just don’t want to live with regrets in my life and want to move on. Soon I will post pictures as well maybe it will be hard at starting to post my own photos but later on the road I will post my own photo. Today I found that letter but my hands was shaking as I was opening the envelope. I did not unfold the letter and just hidden it so no one can have a look at that while I’m away. when I found that letter there was tears rolling from my eyes and I did not know what to do for while. I really wanna take my mind of those things but it’s just very hard at this moment. I need all of your support and help. please just don’t hate me ever as everyone hates me but they don’t realise I have a heart as well and it hurts. sometime all you just need is hug and someone to say that everything will be okay one day. But truth is no-one ever does anything like that and I just wake up in the morning maybe today will be that day. words cannot even describe how broken I am from inside. Still waiting for that day when everything will be okay. Why I cannot be like other people who just hurts feeling and don’t do anything. Maybe I am nice 🙂 person that why. who knows what is truth. Why people judge me. sometimes I think what if everyone starts hating me then what will I do. everything means all of you who reads my life story. what will happen that day? will I have anything left that day or I deserve to be just hurt. would love to find answers for that.
Cannot explain my happiness today but problem occurs when past comes and wastes that happiness. I was very happy today as I finished my most important work in university. My study is very hard just like others but I am trying my best. Today I felt little happy and relieved from study but as I relaxed for a bit school memories came forward and I tried to Stand up and wipe off my tears from eyes. Until today I still can’t believe what others did to me. I don’t ask for much but all I want to say sorry to those girls and relieve from past. I can do that if I just explain to them about everything because that what matters most to me. I don’t know when that day will come hopefully one day they will read my blog if they find and contact me so I can explain everything to them. if I never said sorry to them then I don’t think I will ever be going to forgive myself . everyday just passes by but I still don’t get friends. only that much for today as I don’t even feel like writing anymore. everyone comes in life and breaks heart no one says one day everything going to be okay. only those two girls always defend me when I get bullied but now there is no one…..
As you know I am currently studying and I have exams coming up so that’s why I could not blog and I apologise for that. for me it takes while to understand a lot of stuff as my brain works very slow I guess. I still cannot take those things out of my head that happened with me in high school. I am still broken and don’t know what to do with my life. Sometimes I ask myself, should I end my life but on the other hand I think I have been staying strong for too long and it’s not time to quit. life is very hard I must say. I don’t know who are those people who win over life. Even everyone know that one day everyone going to die but still people cannot stop hurting others. now you tell me what should I do. from last couple of days I have lost so much money and right know I have been only left with very little money. I do not have a job but I’m not sure how long I will be keep blogging. Once I ran out of money then I do not have any choice but to quit. but it’s been great that how many people read about my story otherwise I would have probably never tell anyone. I share everything with you and never hide anything. I received email the other day about how much I pay for blogging. I have paid around 20.99 for registering domain for 2 years and I pay 200 Australian dollars per month to just blog. I don’t know how I will afford to keep blogging with any job. But let’s see what happen. I receive so many emails everyday and its great to talk to you. I reply to everyone’s email.
if someone do not have my email: firstname.lastname@example.org
you all can contact me anytime you like. I hope no one is dealing with the problems as I am. I hope everyone is happy and enjoying.
see you soon 😊
Why I could not post in last couple of days
there are easter holidays going on last couple of days. I watched couple of movies and was studying. I tried to post but internet was very slow and I could not post it. we had a very big celebration 🎉 in our town. I seen those two girls yesterday on my Instagram story. I felt very bad and thought I should go today and apologies but I could not do it. but on the other hand I realise that why should I apologise if others have done that bad with me.
lottery result: I won 25.61 dollars but pretty much I lost half of the money because I spent more than that. but it is okay but it is an experience by the way I had 4 numbers exactly the same as on the lottery ticket. that’s why I won that much money but if I has 2 more exact numbers I would have won 4 million dollars. I was very close could not believe that I only need two more words.
my everyday life is very boring. I wish I also have friends but I don’t and I cannot do anything about that. I still don’t know what I want in my life but I know one thing that I want to escape from here go very far away from my past.
let’s see where my life will take me…..